As I'd mentioned previously the whole idea for the short story came from Big Finish asking for submissions for audio plays.
That it was initially meant as an audio play is still very obvious to me. And as it turns out; everyone else. So I've been working on fleshing out the initial conversation in the story.
At first I was adding 'he snapped' and 'the voice chastised gently' in the same you use full stops and commas. It still didn't read right in my eyes. Then I got hold of the article I mentioned in the previous post. It talked about baring down such phrasing and inserting character quirks and actions instead. It made sense. So I started going through my latest draft scoring out all the 'he said's.
As I went through the draft excising all the unneeded material I found the Doctor speaking with another voice. Then I found myself writing in the other voice, throwing temptation and dark thoughts the Doctor's way. The Valeyard, the Doctor's manifestation of his dark side, found his way into the story without even asking me. Which was fine as he helped to break up the dialogue even further.
I needed something else though. I needed a prop for someone to use to help punctuate the endless dialogue. It couldn't be the disembodied voices. By their very nature they were propless. So it had to be the man who would become the Doctor. I decided to return the first Doctor's stick to him and to also give him the second's recorder.
I also decided to do a new introduction. In the initial draft he was already in the cave, journeying to his new life. In the new introduction we get to see a glimpse of the life he's giving up as a result of this story. There isn't much use in a personal sacrifice if the readers have no concept of just what is being given up.
But there was still something missing.
What it was occurred to me very early on Sunday morning: I had the wrong perspective.
If I changed to a first person perspective then I could do away with all the 'he's in one fell swoop. I could use his inner voice to give to the readers more of an insight into his motivations and thoughts. It would mean a lot of work, but I think it would give the story the extra connection it's just plain lacking just now.